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Wani . Nineteen and smokeen |
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Gets better
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Wow, things just get better and better each day, don't they ?
Firstly, I feel completely lost and blank. I feel like I'm stuck on a boat in the midst of the ocean, with my brain all thirsty for directions. That's how lost and blank I feel. And also I kept thinking that if things always don't go right or they don't go the way I want it to, then probably they're not meant to be.
Secondly, I feel stupid because when I think back, I feel negative MOST of the time. And that just aint right. I feel that way because I make myself feel that way, which is stupid because I actually have the choice to not make myself feel that way...although it is not and never easy.
Urgh ~ Life is hard
Give me a break
Monday, January 30, 2012
" Can someone just throw me out to the sea and let me drift with the flowing waves ? Or maybe, sink with the fishes in the sea base ? "
I've always known that this is going to happen. Being ignored or being left behind isn't something I can live with. I've always needed someone by my side to be there for me even when they don't need me.
I need people, but, they don't need me. Why ? ;(
Alright ?
Today was an alright day. I think by the end of 2012, I am gonna be unhealthy as hell cos of eating fast food almost everyday :/ I can't help it. I love Long John Silver, Macd, KFC...you name it.
I have to try slow down on it ;)
Tomorrow is gonna be hell for me. Same subject for 3 hours straight. BORING subject. A subject where probably won't make a difference in anything. Oh goodness.
And lastly, today is the day where I kept asking myself, "When will this ever end?" ;((( Haiz
Anyways, please be nice to me, Tuesday :) Love you! <3
6..
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Tomorrow is only going to be the 4th week of school :(
Urghh ~
I have 6 more weeks to go till school holidays.
Feels so slow -__-
There's no more public holidays during this 6 weeks. SHIT
Haiz. I AM IN NEED OF MOTIVATIONS ;(
My life is like a rollercoaster. Sometimes it goes up, sometimes it goes down. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad. I need to fix this somehow. I don't think I can afford going on with my life like a damn rollercoaster. I want to set things straight. That's all.
WATIC!!
This is it ! They are coming to Singapore on April 3rd !!!!!
60% chances I am going, 40% I am not.
We'll see howwwwwww ! :DD
WOOT WOOT !!!
Either this .... orrrr jessie j !
I am complicated
Saturday, January 28, 2012
I've always been complicated. Sometimes I feel like starting a war with myself. I feel confused all the time, maybe that is why people go in and out of my life. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I want. When I already have this, I want that. When I already have that, I want this. Kecohhh ~
Can someone slap me hard in the face so that I'll wake up ? LOL
So anyways...
I've had this special person, that I've known since 2010, but unfortunately we went seperate ways late last year. Way before that, around March, we actually already went seperate ways but we decided to become friends again.
During the months when we were 'strangers', alot of things happened...to him. He got to know someone new and stuff. I was busy with my new job. We still talked though, but not so much so that's how I found out about him and this new girl. So far, he was the only friend that actually sticked with me no matter what. He was patient, too patient. But I was complicated, too complicated ;(
I had too much trust issues. I would blame myself, but at the same time, what he did back then made me lost trust for him.
He made too much disappointments and all that hurt me, so so so badly. I know everyone have been through this phase, but all of them are not the same. The way each and everyone react towards the situation IS different.
So around June last year, he decided to get back to me as friends again. I told him, "Why not?" During that time, I didn't really know exactly what was going on between him and the new girl. So one night, he decide to give me his password and email for Facebook, I went in. And I found out hella shittt, secrets were pouring out ! I cried the whole night.. From there, I decided that maybe we weren't meant for each other, cos things always go wrong, and I really can't hold on any longer. That's when blablabla around end of late last year, we decided to stop contacting.
That's probably 85% of the story told.
Lastly, I think I have to face the fact that, no matter how long I know a person, they will get sick of me over time. Because I have a 'no-one-can-handle' attitude ;) There's gonna be something that makes someone get sick of me over time, although I am dying to have someone that is different and could change the way I see things. Oh welllllll ~
What do you think
I am up to making a difference .
TGIF
Friday, January 27, 2012
I always look like I'm dying, especially after school. I look like as if I've fought for war.
Went to the dentist nearby my house. Like finally !
I really thank Allah for thisssss !
I thought that my parents wouldn't agree with me checking up, but they did :)
Thank you Mom, thank you Dad <3
Alhamdulillah ;)
The doctor that consulted me smelled so good. So manly. LOL
When he was checking me, I can smell his perfume. #turnon
Eee ! I sound so sick. Ok no. Cut it out wani .
Anyway, surprisingly it didn't hurt that bad at all. The thing that hurt the most was when he told me something so disappointing, and that is I have to go for a minor surgery for my teeth.
It sucks. Especially when your tolerance for pain is hella low :((
So in February, I have one appointment again, and then in April is the time where I have to go through the minor surgery :/
All this is happening just because I fell down one time during my primary school days, and that REALLY affected my teeth. Doctor said it developed some kind of trauma to my teeth. Haiz
That fall...I should call it 'The Fall of Death"
It just ruined things for me.
I just hope that everything will be ok, insyallah...
never good enough
Thursday, January 26, 2012
I may not have the best life. I may not have the best family. I may not have the best friends. But one thing for sure, I know nothing is perfect. Maybe that's why.
I think I'm the only one here who actually feels like I'm trying my very best to be happy.
Life is beautiful, but maybe I have yet to see it and believe it.
I've heard this from somewhere, and that is, "Try not to look at people above you, instead try looking at people below you". I believe in this.
One of my friends told me about how she got bullied at home and in school...but it's not that. She told me that she wouldn't really care about all that because the course that we're in is only for a year, and we'll get the hell out of there.
I feel motivated. Its like, if she can do it, why can't I ?
I don't know. I'll try to hold on to whatever I'm doing right now no matter how hard it gets. I'll try. ;)
Sick
People get sick of you easily. But, it's not our fault. It is nobody's fault. Maybe God already have better plans for us ahead ;)
Last thoughts for today
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
So I was checking out this dickhead's facebook, and I can't stop asking myself...
Everytime I get to know someone, why is it that their friends ALWAYS seem so disrespectful towards me ?
They will either criticize me, tease me, call me names behind my back, and the best part is I found out all the truth by myself.
Like, really ?
Who the fuck thought you to disrespect ppl you you don't really know ?
What did I ever do wrong to any of them ?
They don't even know me.
I'd rather go with someone who HAS NO FRIENDS, or very least friends, very low profile.
I don't get it. It's 95% of the time, when I get to know someone, their friends always seem to be fucked up.
For example, right now, I can already think of 3 idiots from my past, that has friends who disliked me.
I swear, it's not like I've said anything to them or about them. I don't talk about people I don't know.
The problem is, I'VE NEVER TALKED TO THEIR FRIENDS BEFORE.
But obviously those idiots probably shared stories about me, they'd probably called me names behind my back, they'd probably complaint to their friends about my 'no-one-can-handle' attitude...and that made their friends criticize me.
All I can say is
Pretty pleeeeeeeease
One day, I hope ;)
Today feels like Monday.
I had a nice day today. Thank God :)
I am looking forward to Friday, for my check-up, and hoping that my parents will agree with it.
It's been only the 3rd week of school, and I already experience fake friends. How ah ?
I've been in this situation before during my previous school years, but I keep thinking that they're not as bad as this. I'd rather be alone or just be with a few friends, than be with tons of FAKE PEOPLE around me.
Am I too kind that people treat this way ? A way in which I don't deserve, at all...
Do people think that when they tell me about how they hate someone, I won't tell that someone ? Girl, don't make me. Just don't.
Disarray.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Firstly, I hate the feeling of missing someone. I hate the feeling of drifting further and further away from someone. This sucks. Oh well, can't do much. I guess I could just hope for the best, go with the flow and see what will happen. All I can say is that, people come and then, they go ;((((
Secondly, I am pissed. My brother ALWAYS gets what he wants ! He just came back from meeting his friends, and straight away he told my parents that he wants to take up car license. I AM FUCKING..URGHHHH !!
And right when he told them, they weren't even shocked ! During the time when I told them I wanted to go check-up, they were like "Huh? For what?" And they told me I have to wait
-__- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ?!
My brother signed up for motor and car license before this but look what happened...he wasn't even committed to it, and he had to give them up, effing waste my parents money ! Hundreds and hundreds of $$$$. But hey guess what, no problem mah.. anything for him.
I am sick of this ! When will this stop ? ;(((((( I always cry so hard about this. It's not that I don't appreciate what I have now, it's just that I have too much things going on in my life right now and I don't need anymore. I just want things to be fair and nice to me, that's all ;(
Lastly, this is probably my 3rd post for today. I can never go a day without having too much to say. Haiz.
Let's just see how life is gonna treat me these coming days...
ohhhh helll noo
School tomorrow! Nnnnnnnoooooooooo!
To be honest, I don't hate school. I just hate the people in it.
To be honest, I don't hate school. I just hate the people in it.
The teachers, nehh, not so much.
ITS THE DAMN STUDENTS...
I hate going to school because of the damn kids in it !
AHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!! JFEWAJITRWIU2!@!@!#!$@%#!!!
I can't wait till the end of this year. I can't wait for ALL this to end. I want to work, save up money and take up private school. That's it. That's my plan.
PLEASE, PLEEEEASE, 2012 ... BE GOOD TO ME AND DO PASS BY QUICK !!!
I'm beggingggg...
Woot woot
Monday, January 23, 2012
Jessie J is coming to Singapore on the 20th March 2012 !!!
The best part is, 20th March is during my school holidays
I wanna go ! I wanna go ! I wanna go !
I so want to save uppppp !
Plus,there's ALOOOOT of great bands coming to sg this year. Foo Fighters, A Day To Remember, Death Cab for Cutie, Dashboard Confessional, Evanescene, Sum 41 .
IF I have 'the' money, I'll go every single one of them ! :D
Someone, pleeeease
You know what, I don't even know what kind of living creature I am.
I don't understand how one thing, can ruin every thing. I don't get this
Am I like, the only one who feels this way ?
Am I the only one who PRAYS everyday, just HOPING, WISHING for a miracle to happen, or for my prayers to come true ?!?!?!?!? ;((((
Envy both my bro
I envy both my brothers. Especially the 2nd one. He go out almost every night :((
To clubs, to movies, to whatever wherever.
He'll be booking in back to camp next Sunday...which means he'll go out every single night, treating this house like one damn hotel.
While I'm here, acting like a good, innocent child.
And then when I have to wake up for school super early in the morning, he'll be out enjoying -_-
Misery really do love me huh.
I swear, IF I have 'the' money, I'd go travel to the places that I've been dying to go.
#Fact
Got this from Tumblr.
This is SOOO true ! ^_^ I can't agree much with it.
I have no idea why, but it is the fact :)
I'm not sure if its the same for guys though ;))
But this is one of the reason why I try to not give a fuck about any of these.
yes, it will
Sunday, January 22, 2012
I hope, everything is going to be alright. From school, to life, to knowing new people, to having faith no matter happens...EVERYTHING.
I am so afraid of things going wrong again, even when I have faith.
hate
What I hate most, is seeing people getting to know alot of new girls/guys at one time.
I notice everything.
They add you up in some kind of social network like Facebook, only if they find you attractive. Then they try to talk to you, until a point where they could ask you for your number. Unfortunately, this phase goes on and on and on and on, NON-STOP.
These kind of people won't get enough. They'll keep doing it until one day, someone hurt them and then they'll realize. I don't understand why the fuck would someone contact as many mothereffs as they possibly could.
Oh wait, I know why. They need options.
To see who's better than whoever, in looks and attitude. I honestly feel super happy though, because they are trying to compete and compare me to other mothereffin girls.
But no, not this time. Everything has its limits.
I HATE when people see me as an option, and when I see that they do, I stop talking to them.
-- THE END --
sat-er-day
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Firstly, I MISS ________ . ;((((
It's almost 4am and I'm still awake. I had a nice day at my cousin's chalet. I had a privilage to drink my very first Double Chocolate Frappé & best part is, my brother blanje meeee! :D
And OH MY GOODNESS, it taste soo heavenly. I'm not a big fan of chocolates, but when it comes to chocolate drinks, I love it.
Cousins and Aunties of my side ^_^
My two amazing good looking(only in this picture. LOL!) brothers :D
pumped
Friday, January 20, 2012
Today was average.
Finally the weekends coming, then Monday and Tuesday, and for sure these days will pass by super fast. It's always like this. During school or work days, I feel like time pass by slow.
Minutes feel like hours, hours feel like days ;(
I've been soooo sleepy nowadays, for example, right now, my eyes are half opened.
Of course, I always wake up 4-5am EVERYDAY. It's killing me, seriously. One day or some other day, I'm sure I'll not wake up at all. As in, too sleepy and tired to wake up.
Moving on...
My brother once told me, "Promises are meant to be broken". He also told me " Rather say 'I'll try my best', then to say 'I promise' ". I agree so much. One is because, you have no power in promising or swearing because you won't know what might happen later. Only God knows. When people say, for example, in relationships, 'I promise not to leave you', its like they KNOW what's gonna happen, which they don't. 'ANYTHING' CAN HAPPEN. So, why not save ourselves from those 'anything' ? It can be bad things, OR good things.
Ahh I'm sleepy as fffff
i think
ghost of you
Thursday, January 19, 2012
How I look EVERYDAY after school. So MOTHER EFFIN MESSY.
Day by day, I've realized that I don't really care about how I look anymore. Seriously, I just try not to care. Because the more I care, the more conscious I'll be, and I don't have time to feel that way. I know I've got better things to do than trying to 'look good' EVERY single day of my life.
School was alright. During SW lesson, I had to check my height and weight. Nothing impressive, really. And then after that, I had to carry this damn heavy ball and do stuff with it, to improve muscles...like as if I can develop them -__- I'm all about the skin and bones baby !
T.G.I.F ! Friday ! Please be good to me, cos I promise I will be good to you. Let's be fair ok ? I love you, Friday ;)
Where got time for HOMEWORK
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
My bag consists of 60% food...and drink. Lol.
What else if it's not homework right ? -_-
Urghh.
Today was an alright day. That damn teacher told me that my hair has 'yellow color' like as if I fucking bleached it. Never did, never will, but because of that I have to effing go buy a hair dye, ruined my hair 10 times more. Bitch you happy now ? -.-
I just dyed my hair dark brown and burgundy about a month ago but I don't know what on earth happened. Nothing changed. It still remained as golden brown.
Ohhhhh goodness I AM SO MOTHER EFFIN TIRED . I just want to mother effin sleep 24 hours, with no damn disturbance. I feel like choking someone to death right now, just to release these tension building up in me.
Okay Wani ... Relax, relax... *breathes in, breathers out*
Says it all
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
How about this is fuck, this is you...fuck you :)
lol.
I haven't had tiiiiime to read that damn book I borrowed from the library. I have been so busy with nothing, but school. School school school.
Mom gave me motivations, like fucknally !
She gave me REAL motivations, like saying "Ignore those mothereffing problems that you will or might face in school, just focus on SCHOOL"
Well mom, I'll try :)
"So cling to what you know and never let go, you should know things aren't always what they seem"
"They've got me on the outside, looking in but I can't see it all, with the weight of the world on my shoulders, they just wanna see me fall.."
Mua
That picture above is my drawing
And I can definitely see some resemblance. LOL !
I have that mole, except its not as huge, I have that kind of hair when it's not straightened ^_^
Anyways, yesterday was the first time someone actually noticed my dimples ! Yay !
No one ever said anything about them, like everrr. So to have someone notice them, I am happy :)
I sweat ALOT today and yesterday too. I have no idea why, but I find it nasty. Probably I got it from my dad, cos umhmm, whenever he gets ready for work even before he steps out of the house, he'd be sweating alot already ! Yikes, i know ! I can't control it though. :(
But, whatever.
Tomorrow is Wednesday. Urghhh :/
I want Friday, fast !
I miss my brother :(
Monday, January 16, 2012
This is my brother. I miss him. So much. He's been away since last week for outfield. He will be coming back this Thursday. He called me just now, just to ask how I've been. That means sooo much to me :) See you soon !
I LOVE YOU ABANGGGGG FAHMIIII ! :DD
Mixture .
From my positive point of view, today went well, just like how I want it to be. But from my negative point of view, today suck, just like any other school day... sucks. Aside from seeing those fuckers in school, I think I had a nice day. School - I had to bring 3 damn books back home with me, one of them is super thick. Tomorrow that shitass CCA Fair which I have to go. I don't even know what CCA I should pick :/
Hmmmmm... I am soooooo looking forward to this Saturday and next Friday.
Chalet and .. check-up. Monday and Tuesday no school, which is a hooray for me!
I wanna go somewhere and fucking relax on one of those days.
Maybe to the beach ? Or anywhere that is relaxing...
Somewhere that I can get away from the weight of the world just for a moment..
I'll just hope that tomorrow will be another good day for me :)
Sunday, January 15, 2012
It sucks. Knowing that you're never gonna be good enough for anybody SUCKS.
No matter how hard you try to think that you are, or no matter how hard someone tells you that you are good enough, it just won't process in my mind.
I'm done trying to be good enough. I'm done trying to feel something new. I'm done trying to act like I'm 'PRETTY' or 'COOL' or whatever the case might be. Because why ? No matter what, there IS someone who's going to be better than me. IN LOOKS, especially. In attitude. BASICALLY, IN EVERYTHING.
Another thing is that, I hate when someone says "Ooo, I don't go for looks" or "Looks don't matter, it's the inside that counts"....
You know what, FUCK YOU .
So you're trying to bullshit with me here huh by saying all that.
I swear, those people can just stfu.
It piss me off, so much.
Nowadays, in the society we live in, we demand looks. For example, when we go outside and we see a good-looking person, the first thing that pops out of our mind is "Damn she/he's hot/cute/pretty". Or someone can be sexually attracted as well just by the first look.
We don't care about what's inside of all that.
Our first priority
Saturday, January 14, 2012
FUUCKKKKKK YEEAAAHHHHHH !
Hectic .
Bulllllllshhhhhitttt .
How the fuck does friday and the weekends pass by so fast ?
Dammit. It's gonna be weekdays tomorrow & guess what, I'll be schooling like a motherfucker.
SCREW THIS ,
I am sooooo gonna skip classes whenever I feel like it.
I am gonna create problems in school.
Why ? Cos I like things to go my way.
I'll fucking wait till April to see if my parents keep their promise to bring me go check-up for some things.
FUCCCCKKKKK ! 3 MORE MONTHS ! I'LL FUCKING DIE BY THEN DAMMIT.
Why can't they just bring me to check-up NOW, IN JANUARY.
Seriously ? This is between life or death.
Dear parents, If I were pregnant and I have to deliver the baby RIGHT NOW, will you ask me to wait another 3 more months ?!?!?!
IF I'm already dying right now, will you tell me to that money is a problem and I have to wait another 3 more months so that you'll send me to the hospital ??
A MESS .
Life is too harsh on me. Life is way too cruel. I feel like, life is abusing me physically & mentally.
I keep telling people this. They will think that I do not appreciate other things that I'm blessed with, such as family and basically, just having another day to live. Well, guess what... I AM. In every fucked up bullshit, there's always something good in it.
Let me list down on the things I appreciate ALOT; having a family, a shelter; a nice home to live in, a pet cat, Allah, having the ability to walk/talk/listen/pray, do thing with my hands, think properly(for certain things only). There's lots more.
I just hate how that one damn thing can ruin EVERYthing. I hate it. So much.
stuff
Pure Vanilla Ice Blended babyyy
Borrowed from the library. The kind of book I have to read ... fuck this. I feel like I'm a fucking crazy depressed mad dog .
:(
Friday, January 13, 2012
I have to say that, things weren't going the way I want it to, especially for school.
I just hope that, that ONE miracle will happen to me soon, because I don't think I can hang on for too long ;(
Learning about ..
Friday, January 6, 2012
1. Learn to be HAPPY .
2. Learn to change yourself, not the situation .
3. Learn to appreciate every little or big things that you have/get .
4. Learn to realize that life isn't meant to be fair .
5. Learn that the way you feel is something everybody goes through .
6. Learn that it is ok not to be ok .
7. Learn to be confident .
8. Learn that life on Earth is just temporary .
9. Learn to have faith .
10. Learn that everyone is different in their own ways .
songwriting and music...and my story
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I'd like to start off by saying that, ever since I found my love for music by listening to them, learning about them, I knew that I have to do something special...something much more. That is, songwriting. When I'm about 12-13 years old, I went into a secondary school. From there, things change. ALOT of things change. I have been listening to all kinds of music all my life. Although I know that probably everyone does the same thing, I feel like for me, it's more than JUST listening to music.
Back to how things change and how much it affected me...secondary school wasn't a good phase for me, neither was it a bad phase. It's just something that I wouldn't want to go through again at any point of my life. Yes, there were some great memories back then but I have to say that, there were more dreadful tragedies :/ But, whatever. I'm so glad it's over.
You know how crazy it is when something hits you, and all of a sudden, you just feel...I don't know, confused ?
Yeah, and then you keep asking yourself all those why is this happening & what is happening.
You feel hopeless, so so hopeless. I'm sure everyone felt this way before or maybe, is feeling this way right now but, I don't think it's anywhere close to mine.
So, the 1st year of my secondary school was alright. As I said earlier, it's not bad, it's not good either. I was about 12-13, and those were the times where I would take out a piece of blank paper and a pen, insert some earphones in my ear and blast out music and write words down. From there, I started having this feelings called inspiration. I get inspired over little things, something to do with music, to be exact. I get inspired over lyrics especially, and also the meaning of certain songs. That made me so want to do more than just listening to them !
I started making my own songs ever since. Lyrics, to be exact. Over the years, I've realized that songwriting really, really helped me in overcoming obstacles that I faced. I don't really have anyone to talk to last time. I kept things to myself, I let it out by writing them down. I would always come home crying and then writing stuff down all the time. I had a hard time. Honestly, I don't even know how I did all that, all that holding on to deep hope and faith.
I hold on for about 3-4 years, and I'm proud of myself :)
My 2nd and 3rd year, I'd describe them as...disastrous. I had the hardest time during those 2 years. I was treated so, so badly by my classmates. I...I don't even know what to say...
When I went on my 4th year, things started to get better and I thank Allah for that.
I remember while I was in my 2nd and 3rd year, I kept praying all day, hoping that I won't get treated like shit by people in my school, but I guess He wanted to give me a test and see how far I can go with patience and faith. I thank Allah. If it wasn't because of that, I wouldn't feel proud. I wouldn't feel the way I'm feeling right now, about my past. Alhamdullilah :)
So now I guess my story has something to do with my love for songwriting.
I've written songs since I was 13. I am 18 now. It's been only 5 years, I know but I have gained sooooo many experience, from bad to worse, from good to awesome. I wonder if people have noticed that there are alot of songs out there, that are about 'love'. Well guess what, not for me. I write about my life. My lyrics are my diary, literally. It's so straight forward that people can easily know what they're about and I think that's good. I don't like to hide anything in my songs.
I've always wanted to be a songwriter after that
Who knows, maybe I'll get to somewhere ;)
:)
It's empty
new years resolution
Sunday, January 1, 2012
My New Year's resolution, is to go through 2012 well :)
Especially since it's gonna be another new school year for me, I hope it will go by well.
Although I know wherever we go, whatever we do in life, there's always gonna be knots and problems, I just hope that no matter what, I'll be able to go through ALL of them...insyallah :)
I'm always afraid of how things might turn out some time in my life but its ok, Allah will be there for me, always <3
Hap hap new yearrr !
It's finally 2012 ! Happy New Year to me :)
I went out yesterday, and it was actually pretty goooood ;)
Anyways, that's not the point.
The point is, school starts in about a week ! AHHH !
Omg, I swear I can't believe it, really
I'm really nervous, but excited at the same time
But insyallah everything will go by smoothly..